


Integra's Room

by Azurite9925



Category: Giovanni's Room, Hellsing
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Giovanni's Room - Freeform, Late Night Musings, Romance, repressed homosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:17:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azurite9925/pseuds/Azurite9925
Summary: A Giovanni's Room AU of Hellsing, Seras Victorias finds herself conflicted between who she should be and who she wants to be. But by daybreak, she must choose one, or damn them all...





	Integra's Room

**Integra’s Room**

 

_“I… I don’t know what to make of this, Seras. I could barely imagine spending longer than a month, forget forever, with someone before you. I… I need some time to myself”_

_“Pip? What does that mean?”_

_“I’m going home, to France. I will return to Britain in a month, no more. And then, I shall be ready to begin the rest of my life.”_

_“I… is this a rejection of my proposal?”_

_“Not at all! I love you more than I can ever tell you. Just give me a month’s time, and we shall marry then, mon chere.”_

 

In a small room saturated with darkness, Seras Victoria’s eyes shone like sapphires as they fixed themselves to an unfathomable blemish on the ceiling. She had a weight draped across her body - an arm across her chest, a leg across her lower torso and thighs, and a soft cheek pressing against her shoulder. Somehow, her partner absolutely loved to sleep on her stomach, though Seras couldn’t understand why.

But her mind didn’t keep her up this late at night to contemplate the oddities of sleeping on your stomach. No, although Seras knew herself to be rather silly, this wasn’t the question that swarmed her mind and refused to let her sleep.

 

_“Hello, Seras. Alucard’s told me a lot about you.”_

_“Good things, I hope?”_

_A teasing smile. “Of course, of course. It’s a… pleasure, meeting you.”_

_Oh, what a pleasure it was._

 

The scent of old buildings, lavender, and a scent that could only be attributed to her partner filled Seras’ nose as she took a deep breath in, counting for a few moments before letting it out. Deep breaths wouldn’t do a damn thing and she knew it. But hell, it wouldn’t stop her from trying. She shifted to her side, pulling her partner closer to her, resting her nose in the crook of her partner’s neck. She felt the warmth around her, and while part of her, that lonely child who missed her parents and their own warmth, loved it…. Seras hissed out another breath.

Seras couldn’t deal with this right now. She felt her throat constrict and burn….

_Don’t cry you weak child…._

“Seras?” When Seras opened her eyes at the sleepy murmur, she saw intense azure eyes crinkled in concern, a concern that was directed at _her…_

 

  _“Who is she?”_

_“Only the most charming knight of her age.”_

_“Well, she’s certainly pleasing to the eyes.”_

_“Trust me, I know.”_

_An arched eyebrow. “Do you, Walter?”_

_“I know a lot more than you think.” His eyes held a knowing look._

 

 “Seras, why’re you crying?” Her partner asked again, concern dousing the words. Her partner curled into Seras, pressing soft kisses on the younger blonde’s pale neck. Seras felt a tired arousal flare within her, as if being aroused at the press of her partner’s breasts against her torso was simply a cue for it. A chore.

“It will be one month tomorrow.”

A silence blanketed the lovers.

Her lover’s - no, Seras thought, Integra’s - eyes brimmed with an unsaid question. Seras had to realize that this was a _human_ and that this was _real_ and she was sleeping with _her_ and that Seras was a l-les-lesbi.

 _No._ Not yet. Seras wasn’t ready for this.

“Will you…” Integra began, her voice so tenuous that Seras wouldn’t have believed that this was the powerful Sir Integra’s voice if she wasn’t looking at said knight now. “Will you leave him for me?”

 

  _“What’re you doing?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Don’t play games with me, Seras. That’s my best friend you’re fucking.”_

_A blush spread across Seras’ face. “I know, Alucard. And I’m just… well… fucking her.”_

_Alucard’s expression dripped with incredulity. “She looks at you as if you are God, Seras. She doesn’t see it as a hookup - she loves you! What the hell are you going to do about it? The damned frenchman will be back in a week.”_

_“I know! God, don’t you think I know? It’ll be fine.”_

_“... for both your sakes, I hope it will be.”_

 

 Seras felt her heart race, as if running away from her body, from her life, from this situation. And yet… her mind sinked into such a deep shock that all she could feel was an all consuming numbness. Pip, sweet, charming, intelligent, mercurial, flighty, Pip, will _marry her_. It’s what she’d been wanting the entire time - the whole “nuclear family and white picket fence”. And yet, when such a reality hovered so close before her….

 

  _Seras had ran away so fast that she swore she had vampiric speed. She had just… kissed… a woman! Seras suddenly felt as if she was a stranger in her own body. Wasn’t she supposed to make her parents proud? Be a cop like them, have a perfect, normal, life? But no… she had to be a freak, had to ruin their memory…._

_No. Truth was only what she acknowledged._

_She would destroy all her abnormalities, and if dear Zorin was included in that, so be it._

 

 “I… don’t know, Integra.” Seras delicately said. She felt a part of her ache as Integra’s hope crumbled. Integra, however, pulled the edges of her lips into a dead parody of a smile. Sweet Integra didn’t understand what Seras was thinking of, was split between. How easy would it be to break Integra by leaving her, by living out that hollow, perfect life with sweet Pip. How wonderful it would be, how wonderfully soul-crushing! And yet, the sweeter route is the one filled with the devil’s own trip wires, with her sweet Integra on the other side, smiling and waving her over. Oh, how easy would it be if Pip didn’t also love her. How easy would it be if there was no love at all, just Seras and her own, familiar, hedonistic ways.

Integra nodded, and then snuggled in closer to Seras. “I understand.” she murmured into Seras’ ample breasts. Seras draped an arm over her Integra. Her beautiful, filthy secret. Seras wondered, did Integra really? Did she understand that Seras only hesitated because she was too scared to stay?

Considering she hadn’t been thrown out of the manor, Seras believed that Integra didn’t understand a single damn thing.

She felt Integra’s breath steady into a light doze, and in that moment, Seras felt a bitter pang of envy. Integra didn’t have to chose between what she knew and what she loved. Integra was sleeping like a goddamned baby. More than ever, the incessant buzzing of her swarming thoughts refused to let her sleep, forcing her to watch her thoughts unfailingly, or else she would be stung. Seras had been doing this for 4 weeks now - no, Seras realized.

She’d been doing that for much longer.

 

  _“Seras?”_

_“Yes, Walter?”_

_“Have you ever read Kierkegaard?”_

_“No, why?”_

_He paused, as if rearranging his words. “I have a quote for you, perhaps it will put your mind to ease. “_ _Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.” As long winded and dramatic as that is, there’s a truth to it.” Walter finally concluded._

_Seras smiled blankly. “Truth, my dear Walter, is what we chose to acknowledge.”_

_“Do you truly believe that?”_

_“I chose to, and so I do.”_

_“I pity you, Seras Victoria.”_

_And some days, she pitied herself too._


End file.
